If I'da known you were such a pretty girl . . .

Kurt and I began as housemates, living in a large house shared by five ECU students in Greenville, NC. He moved in Oct of '82. We began dating that winter. In March, his maternal grandmother died. It was a Wednesday night. His band had a steady gig on Wednesdays. He broke down for a short while, then got it together and played the show.

His family lived in Garner, NC, a suburb of Raleigh. It was about a two hour drive from Greenville. His mother's family was from Annapolis, Md. The plan was for him to go to Garner on Thursday, then ride to Md. with his family on Friday, maybe a six or seven hour drive.

We had been planning to go to Raleigh together that weekend. I had an interview for a summer internship with the state government in Raleigh, which is the capitol. I was unfamiliar with the city and this well predated google maps. We were going to stay with one of his friends for the weekend. This upended those plans, but he gave me directions and the phone number of one of his Raleigh friends, in case I got lost or needed anything.

He kept putting off leaving. I'm not sure why, but it was pushing six pm and he was still in Greenville, so I suggested we order a pizza so he wouldn't hit the road hungry. As he was finally leaving, the phone rang. As soon as I heard my mother say hello, I knew that my grandfather had died. I called for Kurt to stop as he was literally stepping out the back door.

My grandfather died in a nursing home in NY, where most of my extended family lives. My family lives in Miami, Fl, 1000 miles south of there. My grandmother was visiting my parents when he died. My mother understood that the nearest major airport to me was in Raleigh, 2 hours away, and told me it was okay if I didn't go to the funeral. Jews bury fast and don't bury on the sabbath, which is Saturday. His funeral was the next morning.

But she sounded so distraught having to get my grandmother back to NY that I booked an early morning flight, called her back and told her to have somebody meet me. Then Kurt called his parents and asked if I could spend the night so I could get to the airport.

We didn't get to Garner until midnight. The woman who would become my mother-in-law was very upset about her mother dying and had taken something so she could sleep. I never met her on that trip at all, since I left before 6am. My future father-in-law was waiting for us, smoking and reading at the kitchen table.

He looked up and said "If I'da known you were such a pretty girl, I'da put my teeth in." I think he was trying to embarrass Kurt. I've never forgotten that line.

We've come full circle, one generation older. He died Saturday night. We knew it was coming and he was ready to go. Still, death is hard in a lot of ways. And now, I'm the Mom on the phone getting my kids to make flight arrangements and picking up the tab. One daughter is in Oregon and will be flying here and making the drive across the rest of the country with us. She will fly back straight from NC to Idaho, her next location with Americorps. Her plane trip is very expensive but she felt the need to come. The other daughter will fly from NY to NC directly. I told her to look for a cheap flight. The funeral is Saturday.

If you're wondering how the first story turned out, I got to NY and a cousin met me at the airport. We visited for an hour at a coffee shop while waiting for my brother's flight. They had gotten a limo for the cousins so we could all visit with each other on the long ride from the funeral home to the cemetery. We went to one aunt's house for dinner. Her neighbor had fixed us a nice spread. Slept at another aunt's house and got up early, flew back to Raleigh with my portfolio and somehow impressed the interview panel enough to advance to the next stage of interviews. Don't ask how. I think I was running on adrenaline and caffeine at that point.

Drove back to Greenville and collapsed into bed.

Rest in peace, R.D.F.